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Are you the victim of a chronic anger, verbal or emotional abuse? Do you constantly second-guess your thoughts and behavior to avoid being hurt or put down by your husband or boyfriend? If you are among the one out of three women trapped in a hurtful relationship, you can end the abuse and rebuild a loving, compassionate environment for you and your family. In Love Without Hurt, psychotherapist Dr. Steven Stosny explains the many forms of verbally and emotionally abusive relationships so you can identify abuse and why it’s so important to take action to change your relationship-especially because, if you have children, they have become innocent victims of the same abuse. Drawing from the revolutionary techniques of his CompassionPower “boot camp,” this practical program shows you self-healing techniques to help you recover from the pain and abuse, as well as methods for your partner to rewire his anger, resentment, and abusive behavior. Love Without Hurt is an essential guide for ending the cycle of resentment, pain, and abuse and developing a loving relationship.
- Sales Rank: #69408 in Books
- Brand: Stosny, Steven
- Model: 3642646
- Published on: 2008-01-01
- Ingredients: Example Ingredients
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.25" h x 5.50" w x 1.00" l, .81 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 384 pages
Review
"Clear, timely, and on the mark." -- Library Journal
"This stunning book will touch men and women in powerful and different ways. A hard-nosed yet compassionate and hopeful look into the heart of toxic resentment in marriage. No married man or woman who reads this book carefully will be the same afterward." -- William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage, and director, Marriage and Family Therapy Program, University of Minnesota
About the Author
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., has successfully treated thousands of troubled clients over two decades as CompassionPower’s founder and director. He has appeared multiple times on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Most helpful customer reviews
79 of 82 people found the following review helpful.
One of the wisest books I've ever read....
By Simply Jeff
I can certainly understand why this book is not popular with everyone. It is comforting to believe that we are victims of other people's abuse, and that it is 100% THEIR responsibility to change (that is exactly what most books on this subject will tell you). However, this book will pull that rug right out from under you, and not everyone is ready to give up their victim identity quite yet.
I don't think that Dr. Stosny is making excuses for anyone, or condoning abuse at all. What he is doing is helping us learn how to see deeply into the problem, and to learn how to be more compassionate towards ourselves, and the other person. I think that in the long run, compassionate is much more powerful than holding onto a victim identity.
I say this as someone who grew up with an abusive father. No, I take that back. I grew up with a wounded, hurt father. None of the other books on abuse really helped me understand what was behind my father's behavior or to look at my own behavior. Stosny talks about the core pain that drives abusers, and the way they really feel underneath the hard exterior they project on the world. I don't have to believe this, I simply have to look inside myself to see how this is true. I am not an abuser because I do not have the power to be one. But many of these same emotions are inside me.
By seeing the inter-connectedness that we all share as human beings, we can really begin to heal. This book is honest, practical and points the way to some genuine solutions to some of our most difficult problems. I highly, highly recommend it. But be prepared to have your comfort taken from you, and be prepared to be challenged to look at your own lack of compassion.
55 of 59 people found the following review helpful.
Read the whole thing, no matter your gender or which 'side' you're on
By NotASelf-HelpBookReader
For me, the most helpful thing about this book was the focus on resentment. It can build over time to the point that it can be difficult to tell who is the 'abuser' and who is the 'victim.' That's why I think it's important to read the whole book and apply it all to yourself. You'll probably see yourself in both 'roles.' Yes, the book focuses differently on men vs. women. Let's face it, the culture in which most of us were raised hasn't changed all that much over the last couple of generations, in spite of what we all think. In fact, those of us whose parents split during the 'divorce generation' of the 70's & 80's may find a lot to identify with when Stosny talks about fear of abandonment and issues of trust and attachment in marital/committed relationships. The idea of getting back in touch with your own core values is the absolute key. It's a long-term process of retraining your responses, changing the way you see your partner, and most importantly, the way you see yourself. In no way does this book excuse abuse. In fact, Stosny point-blank tells the 'abuser' that the 'victim' may never forgive, and indeed doesn't owe it to the 'abuser.' If (not when - he gives no guarantees) a relationship is on the road to recovery, he covers relapses, recriminations, starting the process over, re-establishment of trust, etc., as a _minimum_ several-months-long process. As to the reviewer who was upset over the descriptions of physiological reactions, that was something that really made me feel this book was for me -- yes, I felt and feel those reactions. Nobody should expect one book to work for every relationship or individual. There are issues that are personal to me that aren't covered here, either, but there is enough there to make a start. Certainly, the anger and resentment and pain that build up in a deteriorating relationship (whether or not there is physical abuse or even severe emotional abuse) will poison all parties involved if nothing is done. I don't know how anyone could argue with the idea of increasing the compassion one shows to all (including the self), and solution-focused problem-solving as opposed to blame-finding. How would that be different if one is not married, gay or not a parent? I don't know if my partner will want to read this at all, but I am already finding a lot of benefit by changing how I react, and I'm working on this with our children, too.
14 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
Understanding the Power of Expressing Your Core Values Through Compassion
By Ralph Butcher
Thank you Dr. Stosny for transforming the pain of your childhood abuse, into a system that provides hope and produces change for all of us. I've read many books over my years as a Couples Therapist, and until I read 'Love Without Hurt," only 3 other books had impacted me in a way that changed my life. I recommend your book to all of my couples, even if they are not actively engaging in various forms of abuse. You have so beautifully and clearly explained a person's core values/motivations, how to set appropriate boundaries to match those core values, how to recognize the 5 signals when you move away from your core, and how compassion will bring you back to center and therefore, back into your power. You made it clear that anyone can be lured into the victim/aggressor dance, and that it is important to move out of unconscious reactivity, and into conscious intentionality. I ask my clients to buy their own book and use it as a journal--complete the exercises in the book and personalize their experience. And it is important to read both sections. I could see elements of myself that needed "adjustment" after reading each section.
Ralph Butcher, Imago Couples Therapist, San Ramon, CA
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